Accepting But Letting Go Of The Past

I am one of those people that gets on with their daily life and moments from the past very randomly pop into my head. 99% of the time, they're not good memories and they can really get me down. I then start questioning 'what if?' and brainstorm many ways on how I could've done things differently. 

Why didn't I break up with my ex sooner? Why didn't I listen to my best friends and families advice? What if I stayed in that job? I would've had my new car by now. 

I wish I saw my nan again before she passed.
What if I stayed at college?

I wish I never done that, what if I would've done this instead?
Honestly, it's ridiculous what kind of things run through my head. It has taken me so bloody long to actually accept the past and I'm sure so many other people can relate. Some things are harder to let go than others and that's completely normal.

The most important part of letting go of the past is understanding your past. You need to answer those questions and what ifs. It won't happen overnight but every time these thoughts pop into your head, answer them. Eventually, you'll understand your past, and then you can accept to let go.
What happened in the past were experiences and a part of life. Basically, you wouldn't be where you are now if it weren't for your past.

You can then start looking forward to your future. Write down your achievements and set goals for yourself and just focus on these. The new year is coming up really soon which is perfect for this.
The most important thing I've understood is that I've lived to experience these adventures. Nobodys perfect and I won't let my past define me. I've set goals for the near future which I'm very much looking forward to. And most of all, I'm grateful.

btw, this pumpkin was super heavy! 

I've Gained Weight and I Feel Pretty Shit About It

I was 50/50 on whether I wanted to write this blog post or not. I don't know where to start, or what to say. I didn't know if it would make me feel worse writing about it or make me feel better and more determined to make some changes in my life. 

So, yeah, I've gained weight... and I'm the biggest I've ever been. 

When I went on holiday back in August, I packed all of my shorts and I couldn't fit in any of them. What a waste of luggage space that was and I had to wear the same ol' outfits again and again, bore. I used to go to the gym two or three times a week to get that holiday bod ready for Mexico. 

That obvs didn't work did it?

I've no longer been able to fit into my clothes, my tummy sticks out looking like I'm six months pregnant, I have a huge ass and massive hips. My thighs rub together when I walk causing chub rub which is fucking sore.

 I feel so uncomfortable. I literally live in my leggings and stretchy vest tops.

It has been affecting my life. I had four outfit posts planned for my blog, Liam had taken the photos for me for one outfit post and when we got back home and I looked through the photos, I cried my eyes out. I felt disgusting. I don't want to go to the gym anymore because I'm self conscious. I don't want to go on nights out or out with my friends because I have nothing nice to wear.

I've gained weight because I have had a really shit and stressful year and my depression has hit me like a tonne of bricks. When I'm depressed, I eat. And as I've been eating, the bigger I get. The more I put on weight, the more it depresses me and I turn back to comfort food. It's like going round in a vicious circle.

But do you know what? It's no ones business how much weight I've put on because I've learnt to accept that it's pretty fucking normal. I still feel shit about it, but it's normal! I will go to the gym and work my arse off to get my body back. I will go out with my friends and live my life rather than sitting around at home, crying and eating comfort food. 

I'm human and I have to accept that.