This post is inspired by Robyn and her blog post all about #LetsTalkAnxiety - which you can read here. I think this is a fantastic idea as lots of other people that have anxiety can read these posts and won't feel like they're alone.
My Story:
I think it slowly built up on me. I was always a very shy person but we all know that anxiety and being shy are two completely different things. They are not the same! Anxiety is a mental illness. As I was a shy person, I knew that it wasn't me being shy. I knew it was something different. It felt different. If you have never been shy and never had anxiety - you won't know the difference.
I think it properly started in September last year. I just started my level 3 hairdressing course at college. I had to get the bus to college in the early mornings... 3 days a week. The bus used to be packed in the mornings - obviously, because everyone had work, school and college etc. There may have been an odd seat now and again but I always used to stand because I hated sitting next to someone that I didn't know. It wasn't a very long trip to college anyway, so I didn't mind.
I felt more and more anxious every time I got on that bus. I felt like everyone would stare at me. After being on that bus for a good couple of minutes, I felt claustrophobic, hot, dizzy, sick, faint and I couldn't breathe properly. My heart was racing. I couldn't wait to get off that bus. I thought I was just having another one of my fainting spells - as I'm prone to fainting.
After feeling this happen more than once in public places, I realised that something wasn't right. I was scared and confused. That's when I realised that I was having panic attacks.
I gathered that I had some sort of anxiety. As I was blogging at the time, I came across a shared blog post on Twitter all about anxiety. The lovely girl who had wrote that post was willing to receive any emails from people regarding that post. I sent her a quick email as I was confused and I wanted her point of view. She emailed back and encouraged me to go and see a doctor and that's exactly what I went and done.
When it got really bad:
One morning I woke up and I felt like I didn't care about anything anymore. I really didn't want to get out of bed or even leave the house. I felt like this on numerous occasions. Anyway, because of this, I missed my bus and my mum offered to take me if not I would've turned up to college late. At the time, my mum didn't know anything about my anxiety. I didn't talk to my mum the whole way to college, like I usually do. She dropped me off at college and I headed straight to the toilets and I bawled my eyes out for about an hour.
Yes, I skived. Never in my life have I skived from anything before.
I didn't know why I was crying. I just couldn't go into class. I just couldn't do it.
My friend text me asking why I wasn't in that day. I told her to come and meet me. She helped me put on a bit of a brave face and we went to go and tell my college tutor.
He was worried about me and I gave him permission to call my mum and tell her what was going on. He sent me home and from then on, my mum brought me to college every morning and she's been so helpful.
My tutor even sorted out counselling sessions for me in the college.
At one point in my life, it got really low. I used to be emotional every single day. I used to have so many panic attacks, I had lots of time off college, I skived a lot, I wouldn't pay for anything myself, I couldn't talk to my friends on the phone, book appointments over the phone, I never used to go shopping, my boyfriend even told me to grow up and stop being pathetic - he just didn't understand.
It affected my health. I had hardly no sleep as I was scared about what the next day was going to bring. I didn't talk to my friends much and me and my boyfriend had countless arguments.
As for my counsellor - she didn't really help. She always used to ask why I was emotional and I couldn't answer because I didn't know why. So, we never got anywhere in our sessions. She referred me to a 'better counsellor' as she thought that they could help me more and discover what was causing my anxiety.
However, I was put on a waiting list. Within this time, I eventually passed my level 3 hairdressing course and my driving test! No more buses and no more college! Even though I still had my anxiety, I gradually got happier and I cancelled my slot on the waiting list.
I have definitely become much more confident now that I have my own car - I'm much happier too.
Yes I'm back at college but I'm now doing something that I enjoy much more and I'm loving it.
As for anxiety, yes it's still there and yes I still have panic attacks. If I get to how low I was before - me and my tutor have already got a new counsellor to go and see if things get tough.
If you are having a tough time with your anxiety or you think you've got anxiety, go and talk to someone. It could be anyone - your teacher, your friend, your parents, family members, doctor etc.
You are not alone!
