I haven't really spoken about this topic because it makes me so angry, agitated and just full of so many emotions. So many people have been in or currently going through this situation and I now feel like I need to talk about my personal experience of how I dealt with being in a manipulative and controlling relationship. I feel like this is going to be a bit of a long winded blog post, so grab your coffee and snacks!
I was with my ex for around four and a half years. We were 15 when we first got together, and he forced me to delete all of my male friends off of Facebook (including family members). He even took my phone off me, set my Instagram to private, deleted certain photos from my feed and changed my password so only he knew what it was. He went through all of my photos on Instagram and checked who had liked them. If there was anyone who was male that had liked a photo, he'd block them.
However, this didn't last long, I made sure of it. I threatened him to change or I'd leave him. He listened and his excuse was that he could never trust his ex so he had trust issues with me. My ex eventually gave me the passwords for my social media accounts, and I changed them back.
Skip forward a year, my nan was really unwell in hospital and me and my family went to see her for the last time before she passed. I was distraught.
A week later, on a Saturday, I had already arranged to do my exes sisters nails and then we were going to his nan and grandads anniversary party. That morning, I was sitting in front of my mirror, doing my makeup and my dad came into my bedroom and broke the news to me that my nan had passed away early hours of that morning. It had been a tough week anyway, and I was surprised I had any tears left. I just broke down. My ex hugged me and said everything would be ok but we needed to get the bus soon to get to his house. Not believing what he just said, I just looked at him and started to pack all of my nail tech stuff. I said goodbye to my dad and left to get the bus. I wanted to stay at home with my dad and be there for him. But I had already arranged that I'd do his sisters nails and go to his nan and grandads anniversary party so of course, I weren't allowed to change those plans even though my nan had just died.
I was really upset when we were on the bus. I felt so bad for leaving my dad at home by himself to deal with losing his mum. When we got off the bus, my ex called me an attention seeker for crying because my nan had just died. It makes me so angry that I actually put up with that.
After my nan died, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and I was in a really dark place in my life. Again, my ex didn't help and wasn't supportive throughout any of it and the name calling continued. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about anything. That's when it really hit me. This relationship wasn't healthy. He wasn't normal. He wouldn't let me go out when I wanted to or see my friends. I weren't allowed to wear certain outfits. He wouldn't eat if I wasn't hungry. So I always ate, so he would eat. One time, he asked if I wanted a pizza. I said no as I wasn't hungry. He got really arsy at me and ordered one anyway without me knowing. When it got delivered, I obviously said I didn't want anything and he shouted at me and ended up binning it to make me feel bad. Yes, I felt bad but I was not going to force myself to eat something when I told him I wasn't hungry in the first place.
Throughout our relationship, as I stood up to him more, we just argued more. There were a few times when we were at his house and argued, he shut me in his room and wouldn't let me out. I actually considered escaping out of the window a couple of times but thought it wasn't actually a bright idea. When I tried to move him out of the way to get out of the door, he forcefully pushed me back and threw stuff at me. Even though I wanted to get in my car and get away as far as possible, he wouldn't let me out until I had apologised and we had 'made up'.
When we were 17, I had doubts that he was up to something he shouldn't of been. He wasn't his usual self. He started taking his phone to the bathroom with him and he wouldn't leave it on display when he went to bed. One morning, I woke up whilst he was soundo and searched for his phone. I found it, and found loads of messages to a 15 year old girl he was cheating on me with! Of course I woke him up and confronted him. I was standing there with proof on his phone and he still denied it. Turns out he was messaging her for months, even whilst we were on holiday. Silly me, forgave him and stayed with him as he said he was going to kill himself if I left him.
Near the end of our relationship, he was at mine and I was getting ready to go out. I put on a playsuit and he literally screamed at me to take it off because 'I looked like a slut', 'who are you shagging tonight?' - endless accusations were made. Meanwhile, my mum was in her bedroom next door doing laundry and she couldn't believe what he was saying to me. A nice little fact for you, between getting in the taxi and getting to my friends house within the space of fifteen minutes, he called me around 120 times. Obviously, I didn't answer and turned my phone off for the whole night. I had a nice little message the next morning saying 'sorry' though.
I tried to split up with him numerous times and even told him that I had fallen out of love with him. He wouldn't have any of it. He kept saying that I needed to go and see someone for help and I wasn't normal. So, after weeks of that, I suggested that we go on a break for a week. Again, he weren't happy about it but he gave in. Within a couple of hours, he was texting me. I told him to just give me space. I was working full time at Boux Avenue at this point and just went to work as normal. He messaged my friends and my mum asking where I was and what I was up to. One morning, I was having a relaxing bath and there was someone banging on the front door. I got out in case it was the postman, and I had like 9 miss calls on my phone, I crept out of the bathroom and looked out of the front window and his car was outside. I just got back in the bath and ignored him.
When my ex finally accepted that we were over, he pinned everything on me and made me out to be the bad person and done everything he could to make me feel so shit about everything. Of course he did, because he done it throughout the whole relationship. Even though I have moved on, those four and a half years can still give me nightmares. I can't change the past but, he has made me who I am today. I'd never take any shit from anyone now. And if you or anyone you know is with someone controlling and manipulative, GET RID. I know better than anyone, it's harder said than done. But there's only so much you can take and you'll/they'll wake up one day and say "I'm done".
I really hope this blog post has helped somebody somewhere because I wouldn't wish going through this sort of relationship upon anyone!
